For the past few years I’ve been noticing all these food products in Publix labeled “Gluten Free.” I thought this was a curious trend at first but I did not take it seriously enough to research the problem or start avoiding gluten myself. But I do now. It has become increasingly apparent that as gluten sensitivity has increased so has the world’s misery quotient. Our civilization is clearly doomed. We now live in “The Age of Gluten”– much like the 1950s and 60s was officially termed “The Age of Anxiety” by philosophers and sociologists.
Yes, gluten is the culprit. It must be the cause for most of the misery in this world. Most people eat bread, or wheat, or other grain products and most people are clearly insane. You can’t watch the World News or spend an hour on I-4 and not notice it. But is there hope? Maybe. I started noticing the “gluten-free” trend a couple years ago and now I see hundreds of products that’ve got no gluten—and yet in spite of this, it really appears that things just keep getting worse. Airliners disappear, Americans keep getting fatter, avalanches in diverse places, Obamacare fails, global warming gets cooler, Vlad impales Crimea, etc. It’s all terrible stuff. Even Glenn Beck admits we’ve reached the tipping point—too far gone even for a return to the purity of the Founding Fathers and the U. S. Constitution to save us.
But we are all obligated to do what we can. I try to avoid gluten. I drive a gluten free car. I’ve stopped feeding Anabelle gluten. I eat gluten-free rice chips for snacks and I feel better. If you’re not doing your part the food-police will likely come for you some day. I know I’m doing my part. But is it enough?
I’ve done a cursory search of Scripture. My concordance does not have gluten in it. It is gluten-free. The closest word I could find was gluttony, and I suppose to the Fundamentalists and literalists that must be good news. Yet, I suspect that Biblical eating experts could find some dire warnings in scripture. We educated people know that all scripture has to be interpreted in context.
But it’s pretty apparent that we are living in the last days and one of the endtime epidemics is surely celiac disease. Bloating, depression, greasy bowel movements, failure to thrive in infants, autism, fatigue: It’s all gluten. It must be gluten. What else could it be? So in the interest of public health I’m outlining the ABCs of the gluten problem:
A. Gluten is the stuff in wheat products that holds dough together—like glue, get it?
B. Celiac Disease is the most extreme form of gluten sensitivity. If you’ve got celiac disease and keep on eating gluten the next stop is the morgue. But the good news is that only about one person in 100 actually has this disease. I have about 300 friends on Fb. That means three of them have celiac disease. I wish I knew who they were so I could warn them.
C. If you don’t have celiac disease and have bloating you are likely either gluten sensitive or gluten intolerant. Bloating is my life, and so I must be gluten sensitive, perhaps even intolerant. But I always thought it was the Diet Coke or hot peppers, but noooo.
We Americans are all for tolerance. We don’t like intolerant people but in the interest of full disclosure I have to warn you that I’m probably gluten intolerant. I’m mad as hell and I WON’T TOLERATE GLUTEN ANY MORE.