Tears

“Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean, tears from the depth of some divine despair rise in the heart and gather to the eyes, In looking at the happy autumn fields, and thinking of the days that are no more.” ~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Yesterday, for whatever reason, I was feeling quite emotional. Midday, I had a couple of crying jags. If I were younger and a woman, I could say I was premenstrual. But I’m not–even tho men have some kind of a cycle too.

The tears were set off by recollecting the lines: “hello young lovers whoever you are, be brave be faithful and true…” from an old Rogers and Hammerstein musical The King and I. My mother loved that show. But I’m not young and barely a lover. And then I thought of another song she loved from the same show: “Shall We Dance.” And the boo hoos started all over again.

Perhaps it was thinking about my mother and her tragic life that set the tears rushing to my eyes. She had a few good seasons in her life but overall, it was predominantly sad and tragic. She was seriously bipolar and had many hospitalizations. Her life was cut short at age 13 when her father was killed in an auto accident.

Anyway, I’m diagnosable too. I’m basically Bipolar Type II. Most of the time I’m in a mild to moderate depressed funk (called dysthymia) but then I have brief periods of feeling waaay too cheerful. But fortunately, I’m what’s known as a “short cycler”–going up and down in a matter of a few days or even hours. I go thru spells or cycles when I feel very emotional and because of that I’m sure I weep more than the average male. But sometimes my tears are tears of joy. Certain poignant strains of music can set me off–especially Rachmaninoff, Tchaikovsky and Mahler.

God gave us tears for some very good reason–but I’m not at all clear as to why. I’m sure many physiologists speculate but somehow, I doubt that their explanations are the real reason why. The real reason has something to do with God’s economy. There’s a passage in scripture where Jesus is described as praying with great sobs (Heb. 5:7). He also cried when he heard of his friend Lazarus’s death. It would be interesting to track down every reference in scripture to tears and crying. I’m sure somebody has done it.

Longfellow wrote: “Every heart has its secret sorrows which the world knows not, and oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad.” And: “There is no grief like the grief that does not speak.”

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more open in expressing my emotions. I’m sure when I was younger many thought my apparent impassivity was a type of coldness. In reality, I guess I was just protecting myself. I’ve had clients tell me that they hadn’t cried in years or that they could no longer cry because they felt if they ever started, they could never stop. To me, that has the ring of truth. I could relate.

In three months, it will be the 6th anniversary of my BFF Barb’s passing. Since then, I’ve had an avalanche of deaths in my life. Or at least that’s how it seems–and feels. The most recent being my good friend Stan on March 7th. And I could name them all but won’t.

Perhaps, in a very clinical sense, it’s just a function of getting quite old and having a very small family of origin.